General Motors Helpline

From: Anders Lagerqvist <andersl@eunet.no>
Newsgroups: no.vitser
Subject: Hvis bil-eiere hadde vært som PC-eiere....
Date: Wed, 05 Jun 1996 11:20:29 +0200
Message-ID: <31B5515D.7402@eunet.no>

HELPLINE:	"General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:	"I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE:	"Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"
CUSTOMER:	"What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE:	"It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER:	"Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

HELPLINE:	"General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:	"My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE:	"Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER:	"Huh? How do I know?"
HELPLINE:	"There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER:	"I see an 'E' but no 'F'."
HELPLINE:	"You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.
CUSTOMER:	"No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.
HELPLINE:	"A 'V'?!?"
CUSTOMER:	"Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."
HELPLINE:	"No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about."
CUSTOMER:	"That steering wheel thingy-- Is that the round thing that honks the horn?"
HELPLINE:	"Yes, among other things."
CUSTOMER:	"The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
HELPLINE:	"It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER:	"What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

HELPLINE:	"General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:	"Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE:	"What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER:	"It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE:	"What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER:	"I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't even start up!"
HELPLINE:	"I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the product."
CUSTOMER:	"Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did --now the damn thing's crashed."
HELPLINE:	"Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the car sir?"
CUSTOMER:	"What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work!"
HELPLINE:	"Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?"
CUSTOMER:	"How do you do THAT?"
HELPLINE:	"You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14. The brake. The pedal next to the accelerator."
CUSTOMER:	"Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you know."
HELPLINE:	"Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER:	"I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!"