From: (John Hilt)
Newsgroups: no.vitser
Subject: Re: Lange vitser/historier, gjerne engelske
Date: Sun, 26 Jan 1997 11:48:35 GMT

The Drinkers Fault Finding Guide

SymptomDrinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
FaultMouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
SolutionBuy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

SymptomDrinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault Glass is empty.
SolutionFind someone who will buy you another pint.

SymptomRoom is spinning.
FaultSomebody is spinning your barstool.
SolutionVomit on person doing the spinning.

SymptomFeet cold and wet.
FaultGlass being held at incorrect angle.
SolutionTurn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

SymptomFeet warm and wet.
FaultLoss of self-control.
SolutionGo and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

SymptomLap cool and wet.
FaultDrooling on yourself.
SolutionChange position so that you are drooling on someone else.

SymptomBar blurred.
FaultYou are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
SolutionFind someone who will buy you another pint.

SymptomBar moving.
FaultYou are being carried out.
SolutionFind out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

SymptomBar looks like a circus.
FaultYou're at a circus.
SolutionGo to a bar.

SymptomThe opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
FaultYou have fallen over backwards.
SolutionIf glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm,stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

SymptomEverything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
FaultYou have fallen over forwards.
SolutionSame as for falling over backwards.

SymptomYou have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
FaultYou have spent the night in the gutter.
SolutionCheck your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

SymptomEverything has gone dim.
FaultThe pub is closing.

When in doubt, drink heavily.