From: jhilt@sn.no (John Hilt)
Newsgroups: no.vitser
Subject: Re: Lange vitser/historier, gjerne engelske
Date: Sun, 26 Jan 1997 11:48:35 GMT

The Drinkers Fault Finding Guide

Symptom	Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault	Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution	Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom	Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault	Glass is empty.
Solution	Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom	Room is spinning.
Fault	Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution	Vomit on person doing the spinning.

Symptom	Feet cold and wet.
Fault	Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution	Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom	Feet warm and wet.
Fault	Loss of self-control.
Solution	Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom	Lap cool and wet.
Fault	Drooling on yourself.
Solution	Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

Symptom	Bar blurred.
Fault	You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution	Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom	Bar moving.
Fault	You are being carried out.
Solution	Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom	Bar looks like a circus.
Fault	You're at a circus.
Solution	Go to a bar.

Symptom	The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault	You have fallen over backwards.
Solution	If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm,stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom	Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault	You have fallen over forwards.
Solution	Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom	You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault	You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution	Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom	Everything has gone dim.
Fault	The pub is closing.
Solution	PANIC!!

When in doubt, drink heavily.