Rules for cats who have a house to run
- DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened,
stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not
necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand
halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly
important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
- CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If
you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental
rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so
that it is as long as the human's bare foot.
- BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not
necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.
- HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and
the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping",
otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the rules for "hampering":
- When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.
You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on
and then picked up and comforted.
- For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book,
unless you can lie across the book itself.
- For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most
appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the
most
important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the
pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it.
Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects
make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
- For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes
or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper!
First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from
the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the
papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed
for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a
time.
- When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to
jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
- WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in
front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their
arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will
help their coordination skills.
- BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.